Saturday, March 19, 2005



It is with great sadness that I bring you the news of the death of True American, author of so many amusing missives at

True American was born in 2004 and died in 2005. He was a 350-pound 50-year-old guy with thick glasses, a crew cut and four chins.

True American drove a beat-up 30-year-old Chevy station wagon that was on its last legs. He ate a high-cholesterol high-fat diet because he didn't know any better. He was unemployed, but had been a non-union worker in a hard-labor type job until felled by back problems and heart trouble. As much as he criticized the government, he would never admit he was suckling at the federal teat.

True American had an equally true-believing wife and two delinquent sons in their late teens who caused him endless heartache. The family spent a minimum of ten hours weekly at their Pentecostal church. When their radio wasn't tuned to AM talk radio, it was on the FM "country" station.

True American's television viewing consisted of FOX News, NASCAR, WWF and "country" music videos, with the occasional dose of "Entertainment Tonight", "Joan of Arcadia" and infomercials.

True American was a miserable man who found comfort in Jesus. The heart attack he suffered in January or whenever it was... he never recovered. The doctor told him to lay off the fast food, but he ate himself to death.

May he rest in peace. We will all miss his political acumen.

For further details, please visit


Blogger Christopher I said...

I do feel, though, that the just-deceased True American, as with True Red- Blooded Canadians (and there are a lot of them!) would have spread butter instead of margerine on his bread or hamburger, since margerine, not being a product of the farm - whose owners would tend to be, themselves, True Americans - would be the preferred choice of those who are not True Americans.

Therefore butter, along with his gullibility, may have been a contributing cause of the True American's demise.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

This reminds me of the poem "The Unknown Citizen" by W.H. Auden. I'm gonna quote it here:
The Unknown Citizen

He was found by the bureau of statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the greater community.

Except for the war till the day he retired
He worked in the factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.

The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to poetry were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health Card shows he was once in a hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A gramophone, a radio, a car, and a frigidaire.

Our researchers into public opinion are content
That he held the popular opinions for the time of year.
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenists say was the right number for a parent of his generation,
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he Happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we certainly should have heard.

2:02 AM  

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