ARGUMENT AT THE ABORTION CLINIC
In regard to the following: all apologies from me to those who have had to go through an abortion, to those who have had difficulty obtaining an abortion, to those who are concerned abortion may become outlawed in the US altogether, and to Monty Python's Flying Circus. The following is based on the "Argument Clinic sketch from "Monty Python's Flying Circus: Just the Words, Volume 2", episode 29.Methuen, ISBN 0-413-62550-8 (hardback).
A reception desk in a sort of office building.
Receptionist: Yes, Ma’am?
Woman: I'd like to have an abortion please.
Receptionist: Certainly, Ma’am, have you been here before...?
Woman: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full abortion, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Woman: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute abortion, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Woman: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Dr.Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit unsympathetic... Yes, try Dr.Pat Robertson -- Room 666.
Woman: Thank you.
----
Dr. Robertson:(from within) Come in.
The Woman enters the room. Dr. Robertson is sitting at a desk.
Woman: Is this the right room for an abortion?
Dr. Robertson: I've already aborted your fetus once....
Woman: No you haven't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I have.
Woman: When?
Dr. Robertson: Just now!
Woman: No you didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did!
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Did.
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: I'm telling you I did!
Woman: You did not!
Dr. Robertson: I'm sorry, is this a five minute abortion, or the full half-hour?
Woman: Oh, just a five minute one.
Dr. Robertson: Fine. (makes a note of it; the Woman sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.
Woman: You most certainly did not.
Dr. Robertson: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely aborted your fetus!
Woman: You did not.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did.
Woman: You did not.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did.
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did.
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did!!
Woman: Look this isn't an abortion procedure.
Dr. Robertson: Yes it is.
Woman: No it isn't, it's not even an argument, it’s just contradiction.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: Yes it is.
Dr. Robertson: It is not.
Woman: It is. You just contradicted me.
Dr. Robertson: No I didn't.
Woman: Ooh, you did!
Dr. Robertson: No, no, no, no, no.
Woman: You did, just then.
Dr. Robertson: No, nonsense!
Woman: Oh, look this is futile.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: I came here for an abortion.
Dr. Robertson: No you didn't, you came here for an abortion.
Woman: Well, an abortion's not the same as being “pro-life”.
Dr. Robertson: It can be.
Woman: No it can't. An abortion is a connected series of procedures intended to disestablish a definite pregnancy.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Dr. Robertson: Look, if you ask me to abort your fetus, I must take up a contrary position.
Woman: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".
Dr. Robertson: Yes it is.
Woman: No it isn't, an abortion is a medical process... “pro-life” is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the “pro-choice” person says.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: Yes it is.
Dr. Robertson: Not at all.
Woman: Now look!
Dr. Robertson:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Woman: What?
Dr. Robertson: That's it. Good morning.
Woman: But I was ready for an abortion.
Dr. Robertson: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Woman: That was never an abortion just now!
Dr. Robertson: I'm afraid it was.
Woman: No it wasn't.
Dr. Robertson: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to do any more procedures on you.
Woman: What!?
Dr. Robertson: If you want me to go on with the abortion, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Woman: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Robertson looks round as though Woman was not there) This is ridiculous.
Dr. Robertson: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to abort your fetus unless you've paid.
Woman: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Dr. Robertson: Thank you.
Woman: Well?
Dr. Robertson: Well what?
Woman: That was never an abortion just now.
Dr. Robertson: I told you I'm not allowed to abort your fetus unless you've paid.
Woman: I've just paid.
Dr. Robertson: No you didn't.
Woman: I did! I did! I did!
Dr. Robertson: No you didn't.
Woman: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Dr. Robertson: Well I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay.
Woman: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are we still talking about an abortion... got you!
Dr. Robertson: No you haven't.
Woman: Yes I have... if we’re still talking about an abortion, I must have paid.
Dr. Robertson: Not necessarily. I could be talking with you about abortion in my spare time.
Woman: I've had enough of this.
Dr. Robertson: No you haven't.
A reception desk in a sort of office building.
Receptionist: Yes, Ma’am?
Woman: I'd like to have an abortion please.
Receptionist: Certainly, Ma’am, have you been here before...?
Woman: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full abortion, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Woman: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute abortion, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Woman: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Dr.Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit unsympathetic... Yes, try Dr.Pat Robertson -- Room 666.
Woman: Thank you.
----
Dr. Robertson:(from within) Come in.
The Woman enters the room. Dr. Robertson is sitting at a desk.
Woman: Is this the right room for an abortion?
Dr. Robertson: I've already aborted your fetus once....
Woman: No you haven't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I have.
Woman: When?
Dr. Robertson: Just now!
Woman: No you didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did!
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Did.
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: I'm telling you I did!
Woman: You did not!
Dr. Robertson: I'm sorry, is this a five minute abortion, or the full half-hour?
Woman: Oh, just a five minute one.
Dr. Robertson: Fine. (makes a note of it; the Woman sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.
Woman: You most certainly did not.
Dr. Robertson: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely aborted your fetus!
Woman: You did not.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did.
Woman: You did not.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did.
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did.
Woman: Didn't.
Dr. Robertson: Yes I did!!
Woman: Look this isn't an abortion procedure.
Dr. Robertson: Yes it is.
Woman: No it isn't, it's not even an argument, it’s just contradiction.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: Yes it is.
Dr. Robertson: It is not.
Woman: It is. You just contradicted me.
Dr. Robertson: No I didn't.
Woman: Ooh, you did!
Dr. Robertson: No, no, no, no, no.
Woman: You did, just then.
Dr. Robertson: No, nonsense!
Woman: Oh, look this is futile.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: I came here for an abortion.
Dr. Robertson: No you didn't, you came here for an abortion.
Woman: Well, an abortion's not the same as being “pro-life”.
Dr. Robertson: It can be.
Woman: No it can't. An abortion is a connected series of procedures intended to disestablish a definite pregnancy.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Dr. Robertson: Look, if you ask me to abort your fetus, I must take up a contrary position.
Woman: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".
Dr. Robertson: Yes it is.
Woman: No it isn't, an abortion is a medical process... “pro-life” is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the “pro-choice” person says.
Dr. Robertson: No it isn't.
Woman: Yes it is.
Dr. Robertson: Not at all.
Woman: Now look!
Dr. Robertson:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Woman: What?
Dr. Robertson: That's it. Good morning.
Woman: But I was ready for an abortion.
Dr. Robertson: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Woman: That was never an abortion just now!
Dr. Robertson: I'm afraid it was.
Woman: No it wasn't.
Dr. Robertson: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to do any more procedures on you.
Woman: What!?
Dr. Robertson: If you want me to go on with the abortion, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Woman: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Robertson looks round as though Woman was not there) This is ridiculous.
Dr. Robertson: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to abort your fetus unless you've paid.
Woman: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Dr. Robertson: Thank you.
Woman: Well?
Dr. Robertson: Well what?
Woman: That was never an abortion just now.
Dr. Robertson: I told you I'm not allowed to abort your fetus unless you've paid.
Woman: I've just paid.
Dr. Robertson: No you didn't.
Woman: I did! I did! I did!
Dr. Robertson: No you didn't.
Woman: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Dr. Robertson: Well I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay.
Woman: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are we still talking about an abortion... got you!
Dr. Robertson: No you haven't.
Woman: Yes I have... if we’re still talking about an abortion, I must have paid.
Dr. Robertson: Not necessarily. I could be talking with you about abortion in my spare time.
Woman: I've had enough of this.
Dr. Robertson: No you haven't.
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