Saturday, July 17, 2004

Thoughts On "Return Of The King"

Have you seen "Return Of The King"?  I was fairly amazed by it! 
I love the job Sean Astin did in this one as Sam, and so what if it's a fantasy film, I think he deserved to be nominated for Best Supporting Actor (and I think it was just about the most satisfying movie I saw in 2003).  It seemed that all Elijah Wood had to do was look dazed (which I think he did quite well), and that this time it was Astin's show. 
I never knew until recently that Ian McKellan is openly gay, so that made his role as Gandalf all the more enjoyable for me.  I found myself imagining him wanting to do sordid things with Pippin and Merry.  That could have been brutal, given that due to his being a powerful wizard, Gandalf is probably huge...  Viggo Mortensen was sufficiently Hollywood-handsome and macho, and although I thought it would be fun to see him having sex with Liv Tyler in some Elven-palace bedroom, or on horseback during battle with the Lady Eowyn) it never did happen, of course. 
I love the character of Gollum.  About the only Gollum thing that would have been perfect for me would have been a scene with him dragging his butt in the dirt due to pinworms or some such thing.  Seeing him squatting in the rocks and taking a big, curly, gassy shit would have been nice too.  Just imagine the facial expressions they could do on Gollum in such a situation, especially if there was constipation involved.  Imagine him popping out a few logs as he hopped around chattering...  They also could have had him take a leak on Sam as Sam slept!  Just imagine Sam's reaction to an insult of that magnitude!!  And surely Frodo would have vomited during at least a few of the hairy situations he endured throughout the trilogy.  But if all he and Sam were eating was the little bit of Elven-bread, only occasionally...  would they have had anything to throw up but bile? 
There was plenty of violence anyway, so that soothed my sick, itching dementia-ridden mind.  Not ultraviolence worthy of watching while eating a dripping sub sandwich, but fine stuff nonetheless.  Seriously though, it was a pretty amazing movie!  If you haven't been to it yet, just don't think of my ideas when you do see it.  I wouldn't want to ruin the experience for you the same way Quentin Tarentino ruined the Stealer's Wheel tune "Stuck In The Middle With You" for me by using it during the nostril-splitting scene in "Reservoir Dogs".  Heh...


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