A FEW SELECTIONS FROM "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY" by AMBROSE BIERCE
AMBROSE BIERCE (June 24, 1842 -- ??) Ohio-born writer and journalist who mysteriously disappeared in 1913 while attempting to join Pancho Villa in Mexico. Famous for his Civil War and supernatural stories, as well as for his legendary wit, best appreciated by reading his Devil's Dictionary. Bierce suffered no fools, spared no enemies, and spat in the face of man-made gods and those who prayed to them. (information from The Ambrose Bierce Site at www.donswaim.com )
Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Christian: one who follows the teaching of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors.
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
Consult: to seek another's advice on a course already decided upon.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Mammon, n.: The god of the world's leading religion.
Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
President : The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
I think that I think; therefore, I think I am.
Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Christian: one who follows the teaching of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors.
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
Consult: to seek another's advice on a course already decided upon.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Mammon, n.: The god of the world's leading religion.
Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
President : The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
I think that I think; therefore, I think I am.
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