Thursday, September 22, 2005


I am starting my presidential campaign as of now.

As president of the United States of America, I will advocate some fun stuff.

I want to see fifty miles per gallon for all our gas-powered vehicles by 2012. Those vehicles will be gradually phased out and replaced by electric ones or hydrogen-powered ones by 2020. I won’t get any campaign contributions from the oil companies or auto manufacturers, but so what. In 15 years from now, we will have reduced our automobile related pollutants by about 80% and we won’t be needing to drill for oil in America, or be beholden to Middle Eastern nations. A fun project might be to dig tunnels beneath the Saudi oil fields, drain all the oil out, load it into large containers, and send the containers into deep space.

I’m for the repeal of tax cuts which favor the wealthiest among us. We don’t need to widen the gap between rich and poor any more than we are already doing. American corporations will not be allowed to headquarter offshore, either. They will have to pay their taxes. If they refuse, I’ll send our Military to the Cayman Islands and the Bermudas, take those places over, and seize the offenders’ assets, claiming them as property of the USA. Of course this means I would get no financial support from most major corporations, but what the heck. Their attitude sucks. Someone needs to teach them a lesson, and I guess that’s gonna have to be the Snavester.

Would I raise taxes? Yes, maybe by a percent or two under our current system. What would other taxation systems do? What would happen if we had a flat tax of maybe 15%, or a national sales tax of 1% or 2%? I think other ways of gathering tax money might be worth exploring.

I’d turn most of the space program over to the private sector. I think we need to keep our national spirit of exploration alive, but I don’t want the government footing the bill unless we end the shuttle program and get into some actual exploration, and I think the creativity NASA has lost can be found in the minds of private entrepreneurs. NASA would continue, but it would be more like a group that would set guidelines under with the private companies would create. I think NASA has gotten too big and bloated anyway. America deserves better than what NASA has given us for the last 20 years. There are also vast, largely-unexplored areas right here on Earth… the seas! Who knows what me might find down there? Mermaids? Heh…

The Department of Fatherland Security would be renamed the Department of Homeland Security, and it would be geared toward keeping the bad guys out of America and keeping them from bringing in nukes, dirty bombs, and biological weapons. Airport, seaport and border security would increase, and our military would be used to help out with this effort. The military would maintain a presence here and there around the world, but a majority of troops would be stationed right here in America, many of them at ports of entry.

Our country would never invade another country without provocation. Our country would reach out to disaffected people here at home and around the world. We would be working to understand the Islamic faith, and working to help Muslims change their worldview as our new, peaceful government gets underway. Our attitude would basically be live and let live. Our country would be stronger due to better use of the military and increased security at home. We would help out around the world, but we wouldn’t have to worry about other countries as much, with the exception of increasing our humanitarian efforts. We would rid ourselves of our enemies by making them into friends, not by intimidating them into submission or invading them. I think terrorism isn't the disease, but that it is a symptom of a disease, and that we need to be trying to find cures for the disease. Sure, that's naive and idealistic, but hey... our country needs some idealistic people. Maybe not more naive people, but... oh well.

The separation of church and state would be absolute. If a religious leader decided to take political sides, his organization and church would be required to pay taxes. Taxpayer money would not be usable for subsidizing religious schools. It would not be permissible to teach faith as science. The government would neither suppress nor encourage any particular faith. I would abolish the death penalty. I think a worse punishment than a fairly quick death would be to spend the rest of one’s life in prison, being abused. As I see it, the death penalty provides an easy way out for many of the people who get the that sentence.

Marijuana would be legalized and sold alongside booze in liquor stores. The government would grow it, process it, and package it. It would be priced more cheaply than current street prices, and it would be of varying grades of potency. Most of the people in jail for marijuana-related offenses, i.e. doing time for smoking a joint or getting caught in possession, would be immediately released. I think legalizing pot would actually make it harder for kids to get hold of it. It would cut into the power of the drug lords in Mexico, Columbia, etc. who are growing it, by virtually eliminating the American black market. Fewer people would end up growing and selling the stuff. On a related note, I would allow industrial hemp to be used widely in our country. We would have better quality paper, and more good material for clothing. I can’t understand why hemp is not a major cash crop in the United States.

Public education would not receive cuts in funding; I would increase the funding. Schools that have cut out their art, music and PE programs would be able to reinstate those programs. University standards for receiving teaching degrees would become more difficult, and starting teacher pay would increase accordingly. More funding would be available to help pay for school repairs.

The Constitution would be used as a shield, not as a sword.

Industrial polluters would pay heavy fines for releasing more than specified amounts of pollutants, and strict guidelines would be set to make those amounts extremely low. Fines collected would be used for environmental cleanup and preservation. Those individuals responsible for the polluting would be required to ingest various amounts of the polluting substances, and their bodily reactions would be studied by scientists. Alternative energy sources would be developed and utilized. Solar and wind power would be used to generate electricity. Wind turbines would become rather common in windy places around the country. Cars with a receptacle in the drivers' seat could actually be engineered to run on methane.

I would work to keep abortion legal, safe and rare. I don't believe in abortion as a matter of convenience, but men shouldn't decide those things.

The Fairness Doctrine ensured that broadcasters would bring opposing points of view to their listeners. I would reinstate it. AM radio would no longer be a right-wing wasteland, but would need to give some equal time to the left as well, helping listeners to make informed decisions. FOX might have to provide viewers with more than Alan Colmes. Wouldn’t that be cool? The Fairness Doctrine is not a threat to talk radio, because talk radio got going under the doctrine, after all. Balance isn’t required internally within individual shows, but stations are required to provide a reasonable balance in overall programming. An informed public equals an informed electorate, as far as I’m concerned. Under the doctrine, I would also require CBN to give Satan some air time.

All Americans would receive a lifetime membership to BMG Music Service, Columbia House or Book Of The Month Club.

Internet technology would be developed to allow the receivers of spam e-mail to send an impulse through the internet, back to the place at which the spam originated. The impulse would create a small explosion that would render the spammer's computer equipment useless.

There are too many more fun things to mention at the moment... if I think of any more later on, I'll add them.

Those who disagree with me can flame away, I don't care. Once elected, I will be known as The Asbestos President, for my ability to survive incendiary Republican tactics.

Anyone out there want to be my running mate?


Blogger Matt said...

Woo Hoo! I am voting Snave in 08! Although I don't have any money to you take Heineken? I'll thrown in pretzels if that helps.

I would be your running mate but I think my atheism would hold us back. Also, I don't know how to spell the word 'potato'...does it have an 'e' or not? Also, I am not a real person. I'm a rogue spambot, so that might be a problem.

Anyway, this is exciting. What's your stance on drunken sod farming?

10:39 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Cool. I wouldn't be into running for public office, but maybe you could nominate me for a cabinet position.

11:07 PM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

What's interesting is that I actually disagree with some of your positions. Who would have thought? Maybe I should be your running mate just to keep ya in line. ;-)

Or I guess I could run against you. Flat taxes and privatizing NASA are definitely out, and although keeping a big military might be popular, considering all the jobs, jobs, jobs it protects, I think it's time we analyze the whole military industrial complex to see what programs are protected because we need them versus which ones are protected purely for the pork that Congressmen can promise their districts. Except I don't really wanna be President.

3:18 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Sheryl, of course I don't really wanna be the POTUS either. I'm thinking that maybe when my kids are done with school I might direct some of my energy into a run for a city council position, but that's about the scope of it.

I'm not actually in favor of a flat tax, but I would be curious to see if it would bring in more or less money for the government. Where could I find some information on that?

I would like to see the military used to protect more of our interests here at home. You're right about the it, though. You would probably have to be my Karl Rove. No offense meant, I mean, you would be the one to guide the ship and as you put it, keep me in line. Or maybe you could be a Secretary of State that would run around the world apologizing to other nations for my oddnesses. Nah!

Matt, I think we have needed an athiest on the presidential ticket for a long time now. I doubt my agnosticism would help things either. As for drunken sod farming, I'm all for it. I would have to set up a "sod ranch" somewhere so when I went on vacation people would get to watch TV photo-op shots of me stumbling around blind drunk, puking and waving old tools in the air in a dangerous manner.

Tom, you would make a good cabinet member. I'll see what we can do!

I need to be careful, though. I don't want to be accused of too much cronyism! We've seen where that has gotten us in the last 15 years or so... Seems like Bill hired a bunch of folks from Arkansas, and Dubya hired a bunch from the oil industry. Would I be hiring a bunch from the blogosphere? Probably.

6:59 AM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

Hey man, that's how you get elected. Cronyism is just more cost effective than buying our votes. ;-)

Once you offer have half the country to be on your payroll, then you have sewn up half the country's votes, right?

With logic like that maybe I should be Karl Rove. Hahahaha. X-)

3:00 PM  
Blogger 1138 said...

Let me select your running mate...

I select me.
Now you get elected and the rest of us run everything all you need to do is spend as much time as you can at home.

On second thought I think I'd run away my stance on Mary Jane is to commodify it. Against the law to buy sell or transport for pay. Completely leagal otherwise.

Military? Sorry Bush put us in a position where certain other nations are preparing to dominate us, having taken a lesson from us.
Until we get those issues under control we have been committed to a road that many of us do not want.
First the cancelation of all contract military employees as soon as military replacements can be trained.
Accountability will be the first order of the day.
Second ALL classified materials will be open to American citizens, no more secrets, let our enemies fear the truth, it's far more convincing than lies.
Citizens have a right to know what they are paying for and why - if it gives them nightmares then put the information onto film, put it in theaters and charge admission.

Life in prison over death, but a just society would not allow anyone to be abused by others - manditory isolation for lifers, they do not get to see another human again - ever.

Pollution - more agressive than you, require companys to retrofit all existing vehicles by 2012 combination hydrogen/steam/electric full energy cycle recovery.
Petro plastics outlawed in 12 years.

Trade. Tarrifs on all imported products unless the standards of the country of origin match or exceed ours - wage, health, retirement, standard of living.
We cannot raise the standards of the rest of the world by dropping our own.

Captial gains taxes raised, offshore corperations taxed at 4 times the rate of domestic (don't lower domestic rates, raise the offshore).

Man on the moon before the end of our first term, on mars by the start of our third term and a permanent base on mars by the end of our fourth.
Commercial payloads must be lifted at a profit, not a loss.
25% of exploration to be payed for by space use corperations directly.
NASA remains an active public property and admission to the space center in Florida is eliminated.

Oh, my VP whoever it is and I are going to switch offices at each election cycle making it 16 consecutive years with one administration.

Business will be required to foot the bill for education through college through a national tax and credits for providing teachers paid by corperate payroll.
Property taxes will cease to be the funding source for education, all teachers will be paid 10% above the national average wage.
Home property taxes to be eliminated by constitutional ammendment.
2 Years MILITARY service manditory, no exceptions for religion.
All churches lose tax exempt status, in fact all 'clubs' religious or otherwise lose tax exempt status, if you earn money you pay your share.

Referendum on statehood for Puerto Rico, US Territories, District of Columbia.
Simular proposal for Mexico and Canada.

Abortion is a womens rights issue and should not be decided by men.

All broadcasting corperations will be required to establish independent news agencies seperate from corperate operations.

I doubt the country can handle that much - so I don't hink I can offer more.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Okay, I'm all about the politics and the voting.
I think I can bring in the disaffected weirdo vote. Mainly by actively going out and kicking their asses into voting. One by one.
Can I be your James Carville? Cruising by and taking out any potential threats to your presidential bid?
I'm all about being an evil bastard these days.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Madame, welcome to Various Miseries. I checked out your blog, and yes, I would be more than happy to have you along for the ride as a James Carville-type. Come on by any time you like, and once we are all at the White House, the good times will roll!

7:08 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home