Monday, May 02, 2005


I think we need to start a movement toward finding other theories to teach besides evolution and creationism. The current set-up is just more black-and-white, either-you're-for-us-or-you're-against-us crap.

What theory would I introduce? There are countless theories we could put out there, but my favorite would be that humans were put on Earth by aliens. I don't believe the following, but it is fun to contemplate.

There would have to be a planet of origin somewhere in the universe, but we would have originated there so many hundreds of billions of years ago it wouldn't matter when or how it happened. It would be impossible to know! (Not that it might be impossible to know nowadays, but that's another agnostic soapbox.) We people here on Earth are simply another step in an infinite process, described below.

Starting out as primitives, human beings behaved like an all-consuming fungus that grew on their own home planet, eventually choking it to death by sheer numbers. Just about the time humans were ready to completely destroy that home planet and thus destroy the human race, they developed the capacity for interstellar travel. Billions of people remained behind to perish, but a select few were sent into the planet's galaxy, with very little knowledge of science other than how to pilot their spacecraft... and with the goal of finding more inhabitable planets. The process repeats itself as a cycle.

The colonizers find a new planet and slowly repopulate it, but they will begin their term on the new planet as primitives, just like their ancestors did. Then the whole process of developing science as they destroy the planet will repeat itself ad nauseum. Why destroy one planet after another? Human nature, of course! 8-)> One planet will never be big enough to house all the humans, and if they don't get off the planet the human race will die... so for the human race to perpetuate itself, it has to find new places to live from time to time.

There will be a few select members of each group of colonizers who will head a secret order which maintains communication with the original home planet. The UFO's we see here on Earth are, of course, craft from the home planet which come around from time to time to check and make things are going well. They are piloted by humans known as "Controllers". If the colonizers are advancing too quickly in science, that is, making too many discoveries and advances before the planet can be completely used up, the Controllers subvert things by introducing such factors such as religion, politics, famines, natural disasters, plagues, television and the Ice Capades. These introduced factors control population and they help the Controllers to "dumb down" the thinking of the humans.

According to this theory, we Earthlings are descendants of humans of hundreds of billions of years ago, and our spawn will populate unknown Earth-like planets in distant galaxies for the purpose of consuming all natural resources, known and unknown, during the hundreds of billions of years to come.

Thus, my bumper sticker... which reads:

"Earth First! We'll destroy the other planets later!"


Blogger Matt said...

Here's my theory about where we all came from: screwing. Lots and lots of screwing. Human-screwing, then monkey-screwing, then lemur-screwing, on down to amoeba-screwing...wait, they're asexual. And this could all take place within the framework of evolution. Nevermind.

2:02 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Wonderful!! I love that theory. The only problem I can see with it is that involves sex, so it might never fly in Kansas. Now as for my theory, that's just crazy enough that the Kansas conservatives might buy into it!



8:44 AM  
Blogger mycroftdavis said...

You wrote:
" other theories to teach besides evolution and creationism. "
Granted, you were going for amusement, but look at how deeply culture has ingrained it into us. You dignified creationism with the term theory; it's a theory if my belief that excrement is worth it's weight in gold is a theory. (Said belief coming in the face of all available evidence, that is). Seriously theories must be testable and supportable. Creationism doesn't qualify; the proper term is superstition.

Here's a better theory, ala Big Head Todd and the Monsters : "Nothing is the reason we are here, Nothing at all."

10:29 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Oops! Thanks for pointing up that error I made: I DID dignify creationism a bit much! Unless one chooses to believe in "creation science"! Arrrgh...

Of course from looking at this blog, you might note that I believe the humor value inherent in excrement may be worth it's weight in gold... but not the excrement, mind you. I'd take a pound of gold over a pound of poo anyday!

Now if I were to say that "creation science" is worth it's weight in poo, that might be mroe accurate.

Thanks again for your comment, mycroftdavis!!

11:26 AM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

I think it would be great if the "alien" theory was taught along side creationism and evoloution. The story of the intergalactic Johnny Appleseeds is every bit as logical as the story in Genesis...

6:19 PM  
Blogger sleepybomb said...

i think the point of screwing is close, and the theory of aliens too. but what about aliens fucking monkeys? hence the missing link, so that the the link just might be e.t.!

7:02 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Arrrrgh, Sleepy! Your comment just caused me to think of E.T. out in a jungle somewhere getting it on with a chimpanzee...

"Elliott!! Aahhh! Ahhhh! Elliott!!!

8:18 PM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

Reading your blog entries tonight is kind of weird because I was pondering some of these thoughts earlier for Tom's song.

But here's a line I wrote tonight, which I have to share because it's follows what you talking about:

When the earth's been destroyed from the carbon in cars,
We'll just jump in a spacecraft and all move to Mars.

It does seem to be one of the theories going around that we can fuck our environment and it won't matter cause we'll just move on, as if it were a given that we will develop the technology to move on BEFORE we wipe ourselves out.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Ahhh, hubris! From Wikipedia:

"While hubris in minor matters is not uncommon, it is considered particularly dangerous when present in those who control great power. Military organizations have long realized this and many take great care to build in organizational structures and procedural controls to limit its dangers. Such restraints are less likely to be found in other fields. Imperial hubris is a notion that is used about American Foreign Policy, i.e. in relation to the war on terror.

"Modern negative consequences of actions stemming from hubris appear to be associated with a lack of knowledge, interest in, and exploration of history, combined with overconfidence and a lack of humility."

7:08 AM  

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