Friday, January 07, 2005

No Child LEFT BEHIND (TM)

The Wittenburg Door is a Christian humor magazine. I have found that "Christian" and "humor" aren't necessarily oxymorons. Check out the following article!

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Tyndale House Publishing and President George W. Bush Present a Faith-Based Initiative:No Child LEFT BEHIND (TM)

By John Green
Illustration by Jason Seiler
Wittenburg Door
http://www.thedoormagazine.com/about_the_door.html
Issue #197, January/February 2005

Here at Tyndale House Publishing, we have always believed that children are our future and that we should teach them well and let them lead the way.

We also believe in selling lots of books.

Over the past few months, our marketing staff had been meeting regularly for prayer, seeking spiritual direction for the company. Two issues consistently surfaced as areas of great concern:
First and foremost, the rampant illiteracy of American children. Second, the large quantities of unsold Left Behind books languishing in our distribution warehouse.

After much prayer and soul-searching, insight arrived. Why not use the Left Behind books to remedy the reading problems that plague America's youth? After all, great literature has always been a key to changing the course of a nation.

Here's the really brilliant part: Why not offer the books to public schools as a government-funded initiative? The sheer inspiration of the plan was both daring and astounding!

Utilizing President Bush's Faith-Based Initiative program, government funds will purchase the wildly popular book series for use in remedial reading programs throughout American public schools. Everyone wins! Struggling children will begin to enjoy the benefits of literacy for the first time and Tyndale will be able to move Left Behind product at an unprecedented level! Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins have given their vote of confidence to the project, sensing that this is indeed a divinely inspired plan.

But wait, there's more. As countless American children begin to learn to read, their spiritual development will also begin to blossom. We are convinced that this powerful book series will do far more than entertain. It will prepare the hearts of children and usher in the return of the Lord and the final apocalyptic events of this fallen planet. It will launch the last great revival to take place before the secret rapture and the appearance of the Antichrist!

This is an unprecedented opportunity for evangelism—and capitalism—which we simply cannot afford to pass up.

Please pray with us as we launch out in this bold effort. At this very moment, we are running pilot programs in Dallas, Texas, and Wheaton, Ill.

Already, we have seen dramatic improvements in reading scores. Eighth graders are suddenly reading at a fourth grade level. Preschoolers sit wide-eyed, listening as these powerful books are read aloud to them by their teachers. Violent playground conversions are taking place as children re-enact the adventures of Rayford Steele, Buck Williams and Hattie Durham.

At this point, you may be asking "What can we do to partner with Tyndale at this crucial moment in history?" Very simply, there are three things you can do:

PRAY. Pray for the government to mandate the use of the No Child LEFT BEHIND(TM) reading program in all public schools.

CONTACT. Contact your children's teachers, and your school board and demand that this cutting-edge curriculum be introduced in your local school system. Contact your congressional representative and encourage them to make sure the White House follows through on its commitment to this program.

PURCHASE. Pick up a copy of Tim Lahaye's newest book: America's Last Hope, which explains in detail why the Left Behind series is vitally important to your child's education. It even includes a forward by former U. S. Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft.

We hope we can count on you to stand with us as we step out in faith!

*****************************************************************

THE DOOR'S MISSION:

Trinity has published The Door since 1996. Working with Senior Editor Robert Darden, Trinity has broadened the magazine's mission to deflate pompous individuals, movements and institutions from ANY religious persuasion that take themselves too seriously.

It does this through:
Interviews with significant, creative or controversial individuals who are making an impact on the Church or religion in general. Sometimes these are people influencing popular culture whose views on religion and faith have a bearing on their impact.
Articles sent in by a group of talented humorists and satire writers.
Cartoons, essays, weird true news items.
Editorial comment in departments like The Loser of The Bi-month and The Last Word from our publisher.
See our Subject Index.

The basis for The Door's mission is a scriptural injunction to mock idolatry. The prophet Elijah did it best, during his contest with the priests of Baal. But an expanded discussion is found in the Talmud, that compendium of Jewish oral traditions that we find a continuing source of light on New Testament understanding. The rabbinic teachers said Israel was forbidden to mock or jeer anyone or anything except idolatry. The prescribed epithet was, "Take your idol and put it under your buttocks!"



4 Comments:

Blogger Lizzy said...

That's too funny. My favorite part is: "Violent playground conversions are taking place as children re-enact the adventures of Rayford Steele, Buck Williams and Hattie Durham."

8:25 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

That was pretty good, eh! I think the Left Behind(TM) series probably should be taken to task from time to time. Yes, let's dope the public with fundamentalism presented in the guise of entertaining Sci-Fi, and make boatloads of money at the same time. From now on, I will always try to refer to this series in print with the (TM) symbol attached.

I have to look at the Door site once in a while to remind myself that not all Christians are the wild-eyed conservative fanatic kind that are giving Christianity a bad name. I'm not a religious person, but I think religions can be good for some of us, as long as fundamentalism isn't involved.

Speaking of doping the public with wild-eyed stuff disguised as entertainment, have you ever seen the cartoon strip "Mallard Fillmore"? There has been a handful of lefties in our town trying to get that removed from the paper for a long time now, just as the righties complain and try to get Doonsebury dumped. Arrrgh! If you have never seen Mallard, he is worth a look... just to see a great example of the insidious kinds of indoctrination the country is up against.

10:33 AM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

Very funny stuff. It's amazing how much creative humor you can find on the internet.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Damien said...

The Mallard really bites, just poorly written, poorly drawn conservative drivel. I mean how many times can the duck say "when your right, your right"...please.
Wannabe doonesbury hack. Wheres Elmer Fud when ya need him. Keep up the good work Snavester, Snave-areno, Snanver, sorry I'm going all Lebowski on ya.

4:31 PM  

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